Defending your bruised ego eh? Well... you poor thing. What a pathetic move that was. Sometimes you just have to be true to your words. Now I see you to be less of a man. Don't worry, revenge will never happen. I don't care anymore. I just look down on you and feel extreme pity for you. You lied about everything. I guess that was your defense mechanism. I am so great with what I did to you. I am proud to be the cause of your deflated ego. I wouldn't be so proud though if you didn't do such a pathetic thing of denying everything that went on between us. You see, instead of making me look stupid by your foolish act, things turned out differently against you. I actually thought of you to be someone great and I even  protected you from people who may judge you. It's funny how we even consider these people our friends.

But then... here I am, trying to understand why you are being a weird creature again. I chose to be a friend despite all these. Without me, no one is willing to understand you so I'll be your friend... out of pity? Nah. Maybe. Just a little. A part of me will always be your friend.

That was one sweet revelation I got there. Thank you to those who cared.

should I text him or not?

I super miss him... My subconscious mind can no longer hide it. I'm having dreams about him. I just know it's about him though I can't even remember how my dream went. This is my weak self, yearning.

Help. What am I to do now?

But then... a part of me stops me from texting him, telling me why should I when in fact, he doesn't even care anymore and that days go on without any word from him. I am not one girl who would chase one guy who can't even see my worth. I should go for a man who sees me in a way I would want to be looked upon and that one man who knows what he wants and that would be me, of course. This is my ego speaking.

Still, my mind is so lost... should I or should I not?

It was March --, 2010 in the evening when we last spent time together in front of everyone else. We were having so much fun then. We met at around -:00 pm. I was early. You told me you were almost there and yet I was still there before you arrived. Maybe you arrived late on purpose... again. You took the train while I was almost stuck in traffic. You were smoking at some place else I guess, while waiting for me. Such an ego. You don't even want to be there on time before me. And then you were there wearing that shirt... your APC shirt. I'd like to have one just like that. I like the print. And there we go to the party. We were the early birds but we planned to be there early anyway. The place looks nice. It's actually romantic for me. Ive been there once while that was your first time. We met some of our friends along the way, you ate with one of them while I wait with the others. You bought some lollies and you gave it out to the girls except for me while you were ho9lding the last piece which I think was for me. Was I expecting that much? You didn't even hand that lolly to me! I hated you for that! UGH! We were sitting in front of each other on the same table with that lolly just lying there. The lolly never landed on my hands... one of our friends asked you for it and you just gave it away. I wanted a lolly so bad that I went out to buy one for myself. During that party, pictures were taken, we mingle with everyone else, ate, drank, sang, danced, and then ate again and drank again and then the fun went on. You were smiling all the way and we were laughing and giggling together. We were looking at each other and I can see how much fun we were having together. I was just standing around there somewhere, you came up to me and asked me if I was doing ok and I said yes I'm ok. The party went on and on, everyone was having fun, I was having fun although we were no longer talking that much since we don't usually talk to each other in front of our dear friends. It was a great party. and yet you were holding your phone everytime I would look at you, texting I guess and even with all the fun we were having then, you left early. Not too early I should say, but you left earlier than the rest of us. You were bidding goodbye to mostly everyone, saying you had to leave already because of some band practice you had to go to. Whatever. I actually expected you not to say goodbye to me, but then you approached me. I went aghast. That was like the first time. I just said ok bye ingat. The party went on without you, I was having too much fun that evening even when you're no longer around and yet a part of me was hoping you could have stayed a bit longer. And that was the last time I saw your smile, your smirk, your manly grin and everything else about you, that was the last actual conversation we had.

It was March --, 2010 at around 12:25 am when you sent me that last message.

No more you since then and it makes me extremely sad. I just miss you so bad.

There's this wall between you and me. And now the wall is so up there. You're gone. I'm not sure if you will ever come back. I don't know whether you enjoy this thing between us or what... but it's not good for me. You're making me miss you more... and more... and more. I am still here. I am. I won't go anywhere. I won't. I'll stay. I don't know until when but I know I still can. The friendship strengthens me despite the barricade we can never crush, because if otherwise you and me will forever be gone in whatever way we call this platonic relationship we have or maybe we just don't have the ability to do so. Everything  was fake. Such a funny little fake smile you gave me then. But then... you always treated me right, you respected me, you never took advantage of me even when you are well aware of my weakness. That's how it was, and that's why I can never tell myself to drop you and just move on. My heart and mind are in unison. Ironic. I know. You were always there, in that special place I have for you. I would never want you to go, so don't go. Please don't go. Just don't. I want my sleepless nights back just so we could talk. I need the good times back. Everything just went sour and bitter after enjoying the sweet taste of moments I spent with you. I wish we never really enjoyed it, just so everything will still stay how it already is. These were the last words I got from you... "Yeah. Thanks. I really enjoyed it." and then *poof*... no more you.

I remember this conversation I had with him... just one of the many many other arguments we've had.
Frostian reference as you may call it or maybe I was just able to master arguing with you already..

say.. he referred the female gender as "chicks" and I retaliated. The term used makes us women seem... weak? I guess. 
And you fought back by saying that you used the word for lack of a better word to describe the scenario you are referring to. I agree though. Maybe if you used "girls", or "ladies", or "women", it would make the phrase less accurate for it to apply to the scenario. Let's not judge the female specie much less lable them to such a term that would mean to make them less of a lady. There's so much more than meets the eye to everyone of us. Yes it happens though when a lady loses all her defenses and just give in and breakdown. Yes they become weak. Yet we both can't consider that as a loss of sense of dignity. Just being human which is expected from everyone of us.

This is what I enjoy about him, just this... Being able to pick his brain and get something to learn about. That's it. Conformtiy will never work. Yet, I am happy.

TOO MANY WALLS
Wish on a rainbow
Is all I can do
Dream of the good times
That we never knew
Lonely nights
Alone in your arms
I'll dream on

Living in wonder
Thinking of you
Still looking for ways
To uncover the truth
You're so young
Is all they can say
They don't know

If I could change
The way of the world
I'd be your girl

Too many walls
Have been built
In between us
Too many dreams
Have been shattered
Around us
If I seem to give up
They'll still never win
Deep in my heart
I know
The strength is within

Watching the others
Chances drift by
They'll never discover
These feelings I hide
Deep inside
I'm falling apart
All alone
With a broken heart
Thinking in silence
Is all they allow

These words
Still unspoken
May never be found
All these dreams
One day will be mine
They cross my mind
My time
Has yet to come
Until then

HE SAID: The fact that I care depends on the existence of a wall, that without it, I wouldn't care at all. That is how you balanced it. You thought of it that way.

WE BOTH SAID: You can't deny that we both benefit from this imaginary wall. I know. It keeps you and me from being stupid.

Caring. Yes. I care. You care. We can only care to some extent, otherwise we are going up against the wall. I must say it really looks promising minus the greater expectations.

At least no one would say we didn't care.

At least... that's all that we can say... At least... that's all we have anyway.

"Maybe those unanswered questions are the key to finally know whether or not we are meant  for this..."

BLah blah blah... hell to that. How do you even know that?

And then you tell me that I over empower words. I don't use words as if they have meanings, or as if they genuinely describe a certain situation. You're accusing me of abusing people's imagination by my use of controlled words.. and I say NO. I don't do that or maybe yes but not all the time, maybe sometimes when I am not aware of it.  Actually, am not careful with my words, at least to a conscious level but as you said, I unconsciously use controlled words. I actually didn't get it at first. What do you mean by controlled words anyway? I never made you think like that in a certain way.

There you are again.. you and your psycho skills. You, noticing how I put anecdotal facts to stories I enjoy telling you. You, telling me that I'm an impulsive storyteller. You, claiming that I am orally fixated and that you got me with a WOW. It made me laugh when you said WOW.. that's a first. Maybe it explains everything.. my oral neatness, that oral sucking habit you were telling me about, my impulsive story telling and my conscious vocal control. Imagine how well you managed to analyze those bits of information. It's funny you mentioned that I talk too much and yet you don't mind it as long as I stay true and that there are no lies. I like it best when you're being true. The mystery being lost for a moment of transparency. Now I see why I enjoy our conversations. Your powers have that effect on me always making me weak on the knees.